If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
