I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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