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I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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