im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
