FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
