Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
