so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
