I wanna bring you to show and tell
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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