I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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