ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
