Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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