And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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