My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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