Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
