careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
