THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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