oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
