I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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