I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
