I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
