This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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