I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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