They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
