If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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