For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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