Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
