Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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