I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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