I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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