Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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