You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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