I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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