Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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