So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
