he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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