i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
