you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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