life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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