Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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