he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
