I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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