Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
