Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
