Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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