I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
