my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
