I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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