Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
