she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
