Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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