I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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