Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You ruined the universe
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
